First and last? Exams,exams,exams. That's all this week has been about. Honestly, I can't remember when I had to go through so much stress just to get some answers right. Was it worth it? I don't know. We'll have to wait and see. But this time I did prepare, I did revise, noone can hold that against me anymore. Ha. You know what's funny? Science is the one I spared less time and the one I was dreading most and I completed all the questions, though I'm not so sure if they're correct. Again, we'll see. Other than this my week was pretty dull. We have proper winter weather now which is not suprising in december I suppose,but it's really,really cold and there are moments where I can't wait for it to snow and others where I just miss summer and the hot breeze. Hm. Ok. Let's see... Monday wasn't anything special, I spent the morning with messing with the computer in ICT looking at expensive clothes I can't have. Then geography which yet again just bored me to death, following with maths where all we did is...I can't even remember what,maybe went through some practice test papers...Finally humanities and english. Bleh. Tuesday was a bit more colorful and I think you've read enough posts from me to guess the reason for that. As soon as I walked into the science lab I felt this tight feeling in my stomach. It was a pleasant-kind-of-tight with all the butterflies and stuff, although I think I feel the entire zoo in my stomach whenever he's around. So I sat down next to him and I wish I remembered what was the first thing he said, I don't know how, he just casually opens the conversation and I'm so utterly amused and occupied with his silliness I forget everything around me that matters or supposed to matter. However I didn't feel like being in the humour to anything, I guess I was tired, but on the other hand I tried my best not to bore him. Not sure I succeeded. I have to admit though there were occasions where I thought he's actually searching for my eyes while talking to me,but from sort of unknown reason I looked away and didn't return his glance. Why would I do that when someone next to me has such beautiful baby blue eyes like some shattered husky puppy. I wish I had better social skills. I never really cared about that before, but now I strongly advise myself to put it together and become someone more fun to be around pronto. At least by next week, when I really wanna take things a bit further before christmas brake. *sigh* So later on this day I wanted to make it up for being such a moody pants earlier that morning,so when in maths I sat in the seat behind him to work with Nala and Sredo on some maths paper and I don't even know why but I snatched the green pens away from him, then when I gave them back he dropped all of them on purpose of course and again I was satisfied with the fact that I'm not being the only idiot around. So by the time I got home I was in a pretty good mood to revise and even to get some sleep and hoping for a better day tomorrow which I got so to say. Wednesday wasn't just one of the best days of this week but probably in these last 3 months as well. This is how it went: as I'm still working on my science cass and apart from me a few other students had to take part in revision sessions after school there was quite a few of us in the lab that afternoon. Most of all there was him. As 'A' walked in for a moment I was sure he won't sit to his usual place (since almost everyone from his friend group was there),but I gave him - probably - a pretty desperate smile and eyebrow-raising and he came straight to our desk,smiling and I think he even said 'hi' and I couldn't be happier. Haha. Truth to be told time flies so fast when I'm with him I caught myself realising that I didn't really work on my cass at all. I just sat there chatting with him. For the first time I felt like somebody is actually paying attention to the things I say even when he's talking to someone else. For example, when I went over to the other side of the room to get some graph paper (which by the way I didn't really need) I stopped to chat with Alisha who was sitting by herself and seemed a bit lonely so I made her summarise what we need to include in our piece of writing blahblahblah. Eventually I walked back and I though I'd try and be fun for a change so I just went like "Hey, I'm back,missed me?" but he wasn't listening at least that's what I thought, because in situations like that I normally don't end up with a response, but he turned around and said "Yes, missed you, you were gone like for 3 minutes and 42 seconds" and I laughed even though he admitted he obviously wasn't actually counting,but still... that small amount of urbanity matters. At least it does to me. Moving on, Lennie was there as well and as usual he made sure he was in the center of attention,so when he started repeating my name over and over again with that weird voice , and I was getting really annoyed, I think I called him a disease then a virus (which 'A' found funny) then asked him not to use that twang-like voice 'cause it just creeps me out,plus it makes him sound like a french onion seller by this point 'A' was properly laughing at the way I curse and my annoyance turned into joy knowing that I can make him laugh if I really want to. Then I admitted to him that I haven't got a clue how french onion sellers speak,since the last time I visited France I went to Diseyland instead of the Sunday market,well "I had a beautiful childhood,didn't I?" The fact that he was still giggling made me even happier. The next thing I knew is that our time's almost up,and it was getting dark outside, he told me that he has to walk home and there he did the cutest pout face and oh,he's impossible not to love. In order to keep the conversation alive I informed him that I would probably had to walk all night if I wanted to get home, and guess what he asked where I lived! No one ever did that before...just wow. I think shortly I started packing up, and so did he. What's amazing is he actually finished earlier,but waited for me to get ready to go (I can't be sure) but as he held out the door for me, I don't think I felt that warm inside for a long time. We walked down the stairs together and I wish we were to walk in the same direction, but he stopped by the men's room saying he needed a toilet so I thanked him for sharing that valuable information with me and walked to the car park with a grin on my face. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the feeling,but I read somewhere that it's okay to feel both happy and sad in moments like this. Happy? Yeah, because it happened. Sad? Yes, because I knew in the following two days it wouldn't happen again. Although, today we did share a moment during our examination when as soon as he found his seat turned around and I gave him a look and he smiled. When we finished and we were dismissed I was walking behind him and I wish I could've said something just to acknowledge his existance,but I didn't know how so grabbed my bag and walked out with Rebecca. Honestly I couldn't bear to stay another moment in that building. Dear reader, you see... I screwed up again. No matter how much I revised I don't feel like I did too well on today's exams. There's nothing I can do now just to prepare myself to the last two mocks and hope for the best. I do hope for the best. As for the exams and to have a nice next week. Oh, on Friday instead of our school jumpers we're allowed to wear christmas ones for a pound. I need to get a christmas jumper. If I do then I hope 'A' will appreciate it and we'll have a playful science double session and... I don't know, I'm just hoping to have a good time. I hope for the same for you too. x

" In the middle of the night
When I'm in this dream
It's like
A million little stars
Spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on
Say that we'll be together
Come on, come on
Little taste of heaven. "

I screwed up. I really screwed up this time. The humanities CASS. I didn't finish it. I actually didn't manage to finish it. I had 6 hours to do it. I was too slow. I screwed up. And I don't know what to do now. It was 25% of my GCSE grade and I know I could've done better if I didn't waste so much time thinking and looking around. I could've done it. What's worse I failed. Everyone else, even Lennie,even the students with the lowest grades could cope with the task. And I couldn't. I think you can imagine how disappointed I am, and it's eating me up. I wish I could just go back in time and focus on what I was actually supposed to focus on. *sigh* It's too late now, I guess. Honestly, I'm trying to take my mind off my failure, but it just won't go away. I'll have to move on eventually, and that's exactly why I'm typing right now. I'd like to say that tuesday aka. yesterday was the highlight of my week, guess why? Ok,for a minute, can we just talk about how special it can make you feel when someone who normally isn't bothered with their appearance suddenly starts wearing cologne because he knows next period you guys gonna sit next to each other. At first I wasn't sure, but when he slightly lifted his arm I think I caught a scent of sweet,but manly fragrance. Now how...I won't say anything cheesy this time,promise, let's just stick with the fact that I'm pretty impressed with that goofball. Throughout the lesson we carried on our usual conversations, he borrowed a pen,he said thank you, he was humming,he was whistling,he ran his fingers through his hair, he looked at me, he smiled,he let me know when the teacher wrote something new on the board,he drew atoms and compounds in his book and wrote a thought bubble above them, I laughed and bent over his shoulder only a few milimetres away from his face... get the picture? I think if you ever meet someone in your life who you can't get enough of then you're both the luckiest and most miserable person at the same time. Anyhow, since my new mission is to be nice to every single peasant on this planet, after he gave my pen back I asked if he isn't gonna need it next lesson, for a second he hesitated and (again) thanked me but he said he would borrow one from one of his friends. Bless him. Such manners. Usually when people borrow pens from me they don't give it back. Just sayin' I have to admit when the teacher told us to pack up I was a bit gloomy knowing that we didn't get any further this lesson either, but then as none of us done their homework we stayed behing for detention, or actually he could've come back in lunch time but he decided to stay for a few minutes. With me. I told him about the Geography field trip in January where we would go to Norfolk with a minibus driven by my 60 something year old teacher, and that I'm not so sure I trust him as a driver ( there, he laughed) and then I looked at the time again and realised our ten minutes was up. Even after we walked out me,him and Joey where playfully chatting and for once in that day...or week, I was quite happy with myself. Next period we started our English cass (oh,no another subject im gonna fail) and that was that... We'll have next week to work on it though. Last session was maths and the only thing I learned there is I'm now free to make a conversation with 'A' whenever I see him there, and that he doesn't mind at all, or I hope he doesn't mind. Finally, our edgy teacher told us about how everyone's gonna end up failing maths as well if we don't revise, etc... So as for me I'm gonna revise! Yeah, I might've screwed up humanities, there's nothing I can do about that, but I won't let myself down again. No way. I don't think I could bear it. I'm going to spend every waking hour studying, starting today. I'm gonna make flash cards to help me revise, write notes,practice exam questions,research stuff... Hey, I can do this. The only thing I don't know is what was holding me back before...Wish me luck. x

" Baby, baby blue eyes,
Stay with me by my side;
'Til the mornin', through the night.
Well baby,
Stand here, holdin' my sides,
Close your baby blue eyes;
Every moment feels right.
And I may feel like a fool,
But I'm the only one, dancin' with you. "

I wonder if you ever felt like you wake up on a monday morning and somehow nothing seems right. You don't have the mood for anything and it's like you're walking with a dull,grey bubble around you and... you can't break out of it. I guess that's how I've been feeling for four days now.  It's so irritable! I'm not happy with school at the moment and I couldn't be happy with my grades either and as for my life I really don't see where I'm going. Maybe it all started with the first disappointment on tuesday,when we had science and the person who was supposed to sit next to me didn't. Although a few minutes after the lesson started he got moved - again - and part of me was shaking with excitement and the other was just numb with fear. "What should I say? Ok, be cool,be cool" *exhales* sounds familiar? Anyhow I don't have any reason to complain, he sat there, he talked to me a bit, he was nice, I was boring, I screwed up... Moving on, wednesday was better, apart from the terrible grade i got in geography and the fact that I didn't understand a thing in maths,speaking of maths I don't know what got into me,but as I saw him fishing his book out of the box I thrust against him saying "Get in line,A!" what was suprising that shortly after the session ended and we were in saxon he returned the favour and even turned around with a grin on his face. Cheeky! I don't think I need to mention that was the highlight of that day,because later I had to stay behind after school to work on my science cass and I literally couldn't have been more bored. What else? Oh, today, right - some of it can be defined as a disaster to be honest... Good thing though? He went there to sit next to me right away and even made a little joke by getting stucked with the chair and for a minute I forgot what I was really there for. But what happened after made me want to disappear... This two-faced,short-haired girl (actually now that she stopped wearing make up, looks more like a boy) with an impressing confidence level, was giving out the books and as she gave A his, made a remark on how come now he sits where he does (he got moved,you peasant) I can't remember what A answered,but as soon as she gave me my book, she *in an affably annoying voice* couldn't resist to come up with the strange idea of my name. Yep, that's right. Quite clever, I have to admit, I mean there wasn't really anything else she could pick on in that moment. She *still with an affably squeaky voice* pretended to be confused with the fact that I didn't write my full name on the book (jesus') and that I "change it all the time." Really? The kid who used to sit next to you, and who you apparently happen to fancy now has to sit next to me during one lesson and you jump on the first thing you can find just to make me look bad in front of him? Now how juvenile is that? Aren't we supposed to be young adults or something? As much as it hurts to admit, it worked I got embarassed and didn't know how to react, but honestly, I never even had a chance, 'cause A spoke up straight away, explaining with a calm voice that my full name is this and I'm usually called that. Duh. I was speechless with suprise, not just he knew how to pronounce my first name,but didn't roll around on the floor with laughter after he said it. Then he even inquired some more about my very special first name and I think during the conversation I managed to steady my racing pulse. Ok, so much for "being cool." Later on we had to do this experiment with lithium,bromine,water and God knows what else, just to see some liquid to change its colour. Interesting,huh? I was just standing there, A wandering around the class room talking to his friends (I guess I didn't realise how popular he really was) then we sat down again, and just out of boredom started doodling little cubes and horses in my book, which he appreciated with a cute smile then drew a cube himself. Ahw. Meanwhile someone at our table brought up sixth form and college, and other future,educational...stuff, I mentioned that I went to one of the sixth form  openings I also asked him if he did, the answer was no, but he said something about trying to make it to a college opening evening. I think if I heard this on the television my mouth would've dropped open. College? A clever, true brainbox,who without doing any homework or lifting a finger gets B's in chemistry and physics wants to waste his next two years at college instead of sixth form? What? Why? I tried not to sound like I'm in complete awe of his decision and not necessarily in a pleasant way, that is he "going to college?" "Maybe." He said maybe. A simple "maybe" with a sort of speculation in his tone. I won't lie, in that moment I played with thought of me and him going to the same school and then maybe the same university, then buy a nice house, in a city where no one knows us,get married and have 10 kids. Mmm,yeah, scratch that. Oh, and what a coincidence, Casey told me last week that she wishes to attend the exact same college. Is he going there because everyone else he knows is? I don't know and at this point I don't think it's any of my business. What matters is that I finally got to know him a bit better and although I'm not sure I hope I didn't make such a bad impression as I though I did. I also hope that tomorrow everything comes into place and I'll be a better company to the people around me. Something else... I really won't blame him if he won't sit next to me, but if he does *sighs* I just hope I'll have a chance to show a different side of me. The fun side. The side that can say things and make sure you choke with laughter after you hear them. The side of me I wish I could've shown you sooner, and maybe,just maybe, it's not too late. 

Thank you for your patient mind that managed to take all this in. I'm truly grateful that there's still someone out there who listens.x

I suppose the title might sound a bit interesting,anyhow it will shortly make more sense. I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened since the last time I wrote it just seems impossible to resume everything. Let's just look into yesterday, because the rest of the week was a complete mess. So, it was friday and also non-uniform day, where I realised I forgot how to dress properly in my normal clothes, so I ended up with one of my mums light blue jeans (which she doesn't fit into), a white long sleeved top with a huge bee on it which I also wore on my first day at Stantonbury, and my sister's white coat and white converse shoes. Yep, you can guess, I looked like a 12-year-old.  The thing is when you have only one day where you can wear whatever you want the number of posibilities are just overwhelming and nothing is good enough anymore. True fact. So I took the bus to school and as soon as I got in and my maths teacher said good morning to me (!!!) I knew it was going to be a good day.  I mean things like this don't happen by accident. So my first two periods (drama) where the "let's be idiots 'cause that's what acting is" thing went on as usual. Then I had double D.T which was more amusing,ok, basically I sat there cursing the sow machine, then my friend who told me something shocking: on thursday morning she carried out a pretty awkward conversation with my crush. In a nutshell: she said hi to him, and he gave her a weird look and she just casually told him that he's allowed to speak,and he said 'i know' and gave her a thumbs up then walked off. Erm, please,children..! Anyway that wasn't the only suprise I came across, you know I mentioned Casey has an eye for him as well,yeah, so it turns out the two of them baked cupcakes together the day before (cake sale to raise money for children in need) and that irritable blonde brat and Casey where fangirling about the fact that 'A' can bake and wow, he baked with her. Nope, I'm not jealous or anything... really. I just don't understand if they're so so close as Casey makes it sound then why is that in class they never share a word. Same with lunch breaks, they don't even exchange a look. Maybe it's a secret relationship. Ok, I'll stop now, by all means after double science I am the last person who has any reason for jelousy *wink,wink* Oh my god, it's so surreal. I still can't believe it happened! If he keeps it up like this science will suddenly become my favorite subject. Back to the start then: even at the begining of the lesson I could feel him opening up,but the point where we went from the stage of "You're cute, I wanna get to know you" to "I actually dare talking to you now" - was when thanks to the teacher (bless her temper) he got moved from the back to the front right next to me. I also wanna thank Lennie for this to happen, I mean if he wouldn't have found me boring enough this action never could've taken place, so thanks for refusing to be around me. I never thought this could actually be a good thing, but it is. So, shortly after 'A' sat down he started analysing my scribbles on the white board of a cat and lots of dots, unfortunately no equations of magnesium oxide. After I got enough criticism, I drew a horse to please the little duch next to me which he liked so much he showed to everyone who walked by the table. I can't remember exactly when, but somehow we ended up talking about absolutely everything, like I saw him wearing glasses for the first time and asked since when he had them,guess what,since he's blind. Sad. Then, about cooking,the school cleaners,buses,parents,bushy head,hungary,vegetables,waxing,phones  and a lot of other things. Even when we weren't talking he always muttered something under his breath, weird kid I have to say. What suprised me though, is that for the first time I wasn't the one showing interest by asking others, he asked back and kept the conversation alive which isn't something I experience these days. Not only that someone could be bothered to ask me personal questions for the first time just out of curiosity,but he also made sure to give detailed answers, see as he kept going on about for at least five minutes on how in his cooking class they made apple plumb tart with custard. Or how saying bromine is pretty much the same as saying brownies. Anyhow what I really learned about him is that he's far from the person I though he was. As he put on his geeky glasses and went on with random stuff, made me realise how easy it is to get along with him. Last week, when I only dared to look at 'A' across the room, and now I don't think there's anything holding me back from walking up to talk to him. He would be one of the few people who after you get to know better, they excel your expectations. At the end of the lesson after Nat (know-all-girl at our table) made a statement on how she prefers 'A' over Lennie (and I couldn't agree more) I said I would literally pay him to sit here, of course when he asked "really?" - noooh, but I think he got the message. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how serious he was about claiming me as a new lab partner. That's it for today. I don't think I have to say how happy I was and still am, because of all this. Ok, now I need to stop writing and get back to chemistry (which apparently 'A' and I don't lack haha) - hope you had a fab friday as well, and ate more cupcakes than you could bear without regretting it. Have a nice life and thank you for your time. x

Another half term's over. I'm sorry I haven't written anything in ages, not like I didn't have time... I just didn't feel like writing I guess. So, let's get to the point, kiddos what has been goin' on? To start off with my grades, wich aren't too baneful, I got C&B's in overall...well everything. Goal for next half term: B&A's. I really wanna do this right, I mean this is our last year and I want to do sixth form in a new school. My grades aren't the only thing that I managed to improve lately, I also got some new friends. There's this chinese girl (who's Casey's bestie, btw) I never thought I'd ever have a conversation with her, since she's really quiet,really shy, and,oh well, really smart. Jesus, the girl gets A*s in every subject!!! Sometimes I wish I could be like her... not chinese of course, but as I mentioned before I need to get good grades. What else? Oh, Casey's turned 16, and although I wasn't invited to her "night out" with her friends, I still got her something and she seemed quite happy with that. I like hanging around with her, when she's in a good mood,because she can be a very fun person, only if I hadn't found out about... Ok, I'll get to that later. Oh, very well then, but only 'cause you insist. So as for 'A' I'm not really sure how I feel about him, and I'm even more unsure about how he feels about me. On Wednesday in maths, as usual, I was looking for my book in the box, actually they all ended piled up on Luis's table, anyway he came over, I gave him his book which he thanked, but instead of going back to his desk he stayed and fished out my book as well (which was in front of my face the entire time) and asked if I didn't want it, I told him that was my old book, only since I had my functional braces on my tone sounded colder than I wanted, jesus, why can't I learn how to speak in these? However he slowly placed my book back into the lot, then somehow found my current one and asked if that was mine, I nodded, I think I said "thanks" as well, and headed back to my seat. Arhg! Why can't he decide to break the ice when I'm actually in a good mood? Why couldn't he do that when I didn't have braces? (I got them this monday, so...) Good thing he has them as well , plus he's so cute when he shows his braces off *sigh* Hopefully I didn't scare him away, at least I think I didn't, 'cause the next day, in science not only he came to stand right next to me when we where about to go in, nor I felt his eyes on my face a few times,but I'm pretty sure he wanted to give us another shot, ok, this is how it went; Lennie came over to my table to nick a pencil and turns out 'A' needed one as well, to draw his graph I suppose, so he asked Lennie (when he was over there with them) to ask me if I had one for him. Oh my,my, I would've been more than glad to give him a darn pencil, only if he had came over, or even shout across the room just to let me know. But no, eventually he got one out from his bag (so he did have a pencil) *wink,wink* I hope when we go back he'll keep trying. I really do. Oh, I almost forgot the interesting part. So,erm,yeah, Casey has  a crush on him. I only found out on thrusday's afternoon session. I think she wanted me to find out. It was like a guessing game and every clue led to him. C'mmon who in our maths class in taller than me? What's even worse she admitted it. And I decided not to care. I mean if it would come down to that 'A' would probably run away in the sunset with Casey. God, it's not even funny. Still somewhere I hope, by the time we get back, we just might have a new seating plan in maths and I just might be put next to him. Yeah, dream on. Reminder to myself: I'm there to study, because I have to get good grades and go to another school to do sixth form, and graduate, and then go to UNI, and go clubbing,make bad decisions about other guys,get some new friends, and by then I probably won't even remember the tall,retractable,but beautiful boy who I spent my last year in high school longing for.

"The best kiss is the one that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes, before it reaches the lips..."