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Prom was yesterday.

I was the white fat whale.

Again.

The end.

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It's been months since my last post, I know. I didn't feel like writing,not because there wasn't anything interesting to write or that I got stuck in time where nothing happened, no. It's actually the opposite - a lot of stuff happened, so many things have changed,but I'm still laying in my bed being just the same. Well, there's no point in telling stories without making any sense so I'll try to put all the pieces together and make you understand what's really been going on.

First of all, exams. I only have 13 or 10 left, not sure the point is I'm actually writing my GCSEs for real. Some of them went well some not so well, and others I don't even want to think about. I still have this week to prepare for the last few then it's over. I'm out of this place for good (*knock,knock*) Second of all? Friends. I made many in the last couple of months. Gosh, I can still remember this time 2 years ago  in p.e ,where I was sitting in the corner looking at casey's thin, agile legs dance around the court, playing one of those stupid p.e games, and never actually thought I'd be able to talk to her, much less become friends with her. Not simply, we're tangling around the idea of a weird 'friendship' but I also got to know her. And I'm still learning new things about casey each day, but I'm not so sure these discoveries impress me. Let's be honest, she's overly insecure,shallow and most of all spoilt, isolating herself with these stupid little fantasies that keep her in that pink bubble where all that matters are the details of an icing on a cupcake or the neatness of her ponytail, or most of all whether 'A' summoned a few teasing words towards her during maths just to make her feel important for a brief second. She's so naive. And she's my friend. Whether she likes or not, because out of all of them I know more of her character than she does.  And I'd be lying if I said we weren't close though she probably has a different opinion about this. We're even gonna go together to prom (we booked a limo) with cindarella (the chinese girl - quite close with her too) and taz (I never imagined I'd be talking with her on skype for hours) and all the rest of them - even the boys, I get along with some of them now quite easily. And speaking of boys... you still haven't forgotten 'him' have you? Considering how much I went on about him just a few months ago It'd be hard to forget 'A'- A who was my real first crush, A who made school so special for me... A who went out with casey for a few days and hepled me realise that I was really nothing to him. Well, he might have been interested in  the 'idea' of me once, but that was that. We still speak in science as we sit at the same table, or after maths 'cause we share some mutual friends, like joey but that's it. Unfortunetely turns out he doesn't want anything from me. At least not in our current 'now.' Not to mention that his biggish bff hates me 'cause taz, casey and the others where messing with my phone sending him some pretty embarassing stuff. Probably, that's not it 'cause he's never been particulary nice to me, oh well. On the other hand, in the last few weeks (basically last week) jake's been nicer than usual, which is strange because after we got into separate english groups we never really ackowledged each other existence, and on wednesday he even said hi to me, though most of his friends present can't stand my guts. I couldn't do much but smile, and that was that. What else..? Well, in a nutshell I think you sort of know everything at least looking at the big picture.

Plans for the future? Get through exams, don't even think about touching my stupid skin, go to prom then survive 2 weeks in Hungary, collect my results on the 22nd of august and forget any of this ever happened. Of course it won't be that easy. Anyhow, wish me luck! x

 

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well. "

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I should make some new year's resolution, since 2014 ought to be something different. Something better. I hope. In order to achieve that I need to live by a few new rules. First of all a change in my attitude would be good. I just kicked both my annoying sister and my mom out of my room, because I can't tolerate their cheesiness, enough said, really. Another good one would be a new figure. I'm tired of being tall and curvy. I can't do much about being tall, but I definitely want to lose at least 20 pounds. Don't get me wrong, my wish isn't to become some anorexic freak with gaunty features,but I just know the only way I'd be comfortable in my own skin is if I was thin. Everyone looks better when they're thin in my opinion. So there's that. Also, and this is serious, I'll need to stop picking my skin. Yes, I'm one of those girls with acne problems, but when I forget that the skin on my face exists and just leave it alone it actually looks pretty decent. Lastly, I want to make some more friends. There are still a few people at school I could get to know better. This is my last year. It's not even a year now: last 6 months! Least I can do is make the most of it and becoming more sociable is something I gotta practice anyway. Plus, I should go out a bit more too, which is going pretty well actually, next monday's a shopping trip with Rebecca and I'm planning on spending all my christmas money. Sue me. What else..? Oh,yeah, I'm gonna have to become more concerned about my grades. I want to get good results and having to be able to be proud of my silly self at some point next year. Well, not like I didn't care about that before,just a reminder to keep it up. Woah, I really can't wait 'till 2013 is over. I made it! It was quite challenging, but here I am. As for next year, if I want to live up to these resolutions I gotta start working on them now. There is still five days until 2014, so I better get used to the thought of coffee,yogurts and cereals, also don't even think about touching my skin - if I wanna feel 'ok' enough to go back to school as a totally different,confident student who doesn't even mind anymore that she's a head taller than everyone else. In fact she'll only pay attention to that one individual out of all the males, who actually happens to be a few inches still taller. But on the other hand, she will try not to seem as desperate as last time. That's in the past and the only way to focus on a bright future is to let go and start fresh. 

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I am sick and tired, I really am and truth to be told I don't know what to do about it. It's so pathetic, I never felt this pathetic in my entire life,now... wow. Even mum noticed that something's up with me as I was being quiet (in her loud company) looking outside of the car window. At this point I don't know whether I should stay away or give it another shot. You know what I mean, don't you... This ridiculous uncertainty is eating me up. Yesterday I did my best to avoid him and this morning I think I managed to push him away even more, by just being that insecure mess I am. He didn't seem too interested to talk to me either, and when I tried to encourage him that annoying africano just shouted out another insult aiming my love towards horses or my 'now pretty obvious' crush on him and completely ruined the whole thing. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be I guess, at least not today. I was supposed to have another session with him this afternoon,but after my visit to the orthodontist I didn't feel like going back. Maybe tomorrow,maybe the day after,maybe...maybe. I know this has to stop eventually and I'll have to move on with my life...it's just easier said than done. Ok, starting today I'll try and be one of those inspirational chicks who walk around with confidence and don't give a damn about the world around them. Starting with making progress in my school work, since I've been lacking motivation lately and I haven't got a clue what we're doing in physics. Argh! It's so frustrating! He just sits there,ok, doesn't do anything and he gets it! HE JUST GETS IT! How? Why? Can't I be that clever? Anyway I'll try my best today and tomorrow to at least have the knowledge to pretend I know what's going on. The most unattractive thing in the world is when someone's unintelligent and proud of that too. What else... Oh, so that's pretty much it. As for tomorrow? I'll try a new hairstyle, I'll start talking to other people  around me again,like Casey, I'll be a good friend and try and spend more time with Rebecca too, 'cause if someone she deserves it, also I'll wear my retainers in english and maybe in geography too 'cause I want to get rid of them in two months...erm... and yeah, if there's an opportunity given in maths then maybe, I won't ignore him, and try show a more fun side of me, which I believe I still have. Wish me luck,kind reader.

" I won't I won't I won't hesitate
Even if I'm going down in flames
Light me up light me up light me up yea
Light me up light me up light me up yea

I don't I don't care what they say
Even if I'm going down in flames
Light me up light me up light me up yea
Light me up light me up light me up yea "

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